Dukes of Awesome

OH NOES.

Believe me, Jason, you’re worth it. You’re a Pro Bowl talent who deserves Pro Bowl pay. Just please, please, please, please don’t ask us to come up with Steve Hutchinson money. Or, uh, Langston Walker money. Don’t get me wrong, Ralph will come close, but maybe we can sweeten the pot in other ways.
Heres our offer:

• Unlimited Duff’s wings, any style, any time, 24/7, delivered by the friendly Hooters staff (cross promotion!)
• The Entire Fruit Belt – you’ll have the Anchor Bar on your property, along with one of the best schools in the country in City Honors. The rest, do with it what you will.
• Unlimited websites. Sure, it sounds kinda lame and nerdy, but seriously, my company will design and host a website for anything you want. Know what I’m sayin?
• The American Falls. True, they’re not as impressive as the Canadians’ Horseshoe Falls, but it’s still way more impressive than any other backyard pond or waterfall. Even better than Falling Water.
• One (1) of my sisters. I have been told they are attractive, and both are pretty cool girls. All I ask is you a) don’t feature them on one of your free websites and b) invite me to the family BBQ. (You can’t have both because either Marshawn or Trent get the other.)
• Don’t want the Fruit Belt? You can have Rochester. Or Syracuse. Both have a glut of college girls, and I’m sure no one will mind.

So that’s my offer thus far. Feel free to have your agent make a counter offer, via e-mail, at talleywhackers (at) gmail (dot) com. We can work it out.